It was a great relationship, - while it lasted.  Following a year and a half of perfect bliss, the fabric of the relationship came apart, bit by bit, and I was devastated.  Great relationships should not end this way, but it did. 

        We were making it famously, no problem, no controversy, no money crunch, no offspring, just high living.  Then one day it happened.  Something was just not quite right.  Alice seemed to be acting strangely, a little remote, and certainly not her usual responsive and open self.  Just what was going on I asked myself?  For over a year we had been swapping DNA, spending endless hours in each others company, and appeared to fit like gloves.  Was our relationship no longer exclusive, just the two of us, and nobody else?  Had I offended her so badly that she was seeking the companionship of outsiders? 

        While Alice was still quite young and vibrant, some of her behavior was out of character.  On one occasion she said, my memory is virtually gone, and will be improved when you stop messing with my buttons.  So, I stopped messing with her buttons, and it didn't make any difference.   On several occasions, she said, I am just too exhausted to carry on any longer.  This occurred when she was not doing anything at all.  Everything that had performed wonderfully in the past became ponderous, or did not work at all.  My suspicions, which had never been an issue, suddenly became a preoccupation.  Would Alice open up and tell me what was going on, or would I have to dig it out myself? 

        In total frustration, I hired Dr. Norton to look into Alice's peculiar behavior.  I knew in advance that Dr Norton had absolutely no bedside manner, and preferred to advise his patients to heal thyself, rather than to intervene personally on their behalf.  While I called Dr. Norton on several occasions, his phone was either busy, or if there was an answer, we were cut off well before I could make an appointment.  He did send a prescription tailored to a virus that was going around.  He cautioned me to administer it exactly according to the attached instructions. 

        Dr. Norton also suggested a group of specialists to examine Alice and all possible consorts.  It all came to a head within a few days, and to my chagrin, the news was startling.  Not only did Alice maintain other relationships, it was determined that she had dozens of other consorts, day and night.  She morphed from an apparently faithful companion to a shameful tramp, and she converted overnight, or at least that is the way it seemed at first. 

        My distress at losing an intimate relationship was minor compared to the knowledge that I was not alone with Alice, even when we were alone.  Not only did Alice have a host of external consorts, she also had an assortment of congenital problems, all of which were deep within her genetic structure.  Little did I know!

     The last straw came when Alice gave some of her genetic gremlins some cookies.  There followed an orgy of interactions with her outside consorts.  She not only participated in illicit relationships, she was sharing my most intimate secrets with complete strangers.  Dr. Norton's records of this and its associated incidents are summarized below.

        Yes, Alice is my PC, reasonably new and fast with all the bells and whistles.  The W32klez virus was eliminated, but it started a process of determining exactly what all was happening to interfere with Alice's performance.  I seemed to be waiting long periods of time for fairly simple things to happen.  With her generous endowment of memory, why would she be out of memory when I had put no programs in memory.  Was memory being consumed by programs running in background?  If so, what programs are they, and how did they get there?  Are they even necessary?  If programs are running in background, are they interfering with my personal access to the microprocessor and the internet?   I was upset until I realized the full impact of what was happening.  Then I was furious!!

        Because of Dr. Norton's copious records, only a small sample was examined in detail.  It was one complete, but very short session beginning at 8:10am on May 20, a period of precisely 19 minutes and 20 seconds.  During this 19-minute period, Alice established outside contact with eight different co-conspirators on 36 separate occasions.  She tried to sell 26 ads.  Worst of all, she sent almost a million bits of personal information to complete strangers, and they, in turn, sent over a million bits of information back to her.  That is the equivalent of about 50 pages of text from my personal computer.  Exactly what she did with the information is the subject of a new, and thorough investigation by Dr. Norton.  If nothing else, Alice was super fast, even when she was ailing.

        Alice's 14 co-conspirators, and her genetic defects from which they operated are listed below in Dr. Norton's cryptic style in order of their appearance.  I was personally responsible for number 13 the last few minutes of the session.  Dr. Norton knew about numbers 3 and 10 in advance.  Alice was fully responsible for the other 11 programs, all running in background.  All were accessing the internet, and from my viewpoint, all were illicit.

        The exact addresses of Alice's outside co-conspirators are listed below.  The number of contacts with each, the numeric IP address, and the website name on the index page for that address are all shown from this 19 minute period in order as they occurred.  I knew nothing of any of this until the 5^th. IP address, Altavista, is shown.  Sixteen internet contacts were made before I had any interest in doing so. 

            Then I reviewed exactly what Alice had done.  First she accessed the internet, even when I had no interest in the internet.  She was doing it covertly, throughout the session, and had it not been for Dr. Norton, I would be none the wiser.  She sent out and receiving ads, and probably received cookies for the favors.  Then she distributed cookies to all her friends.  She sent out copious quantities of my personal information to her friends, and received back more information than she sent, refusing to reveal exactly what she did with the information.  If there was ever a clear conspiracy among Alice and her broadband, this 19 minutes clearly documents it all.  Lord knows what she and her cronies might do on a 24/7 schedule.  Alice was clearly in charge of most of the 19 minutes, and she was gracious enough to let me poke her buttons for just a short period of time. 

            Fortunately for Alice, I realize it is not all her fault, and can be explained by the small print in software agreements that nobody ever reads.  Rather than to throw Alice out into the street, I resolved to rid her code of each of her unnecessary consorts, and block all her ad-selling behavior.  Slowly but surely, Alice and I are re-establishing a working relationship based upon integrity, honesty, and openness.  Dr. Norton has been placed on a retainer to monitor this new relationship.  Hopefully, Alice and I will be swapping DNA again within a short period of time.  Alice has some great little buttons.

Exactly what should be done to control Alice and this broadband conspiracy is anybody's guess.   Like-minded broads, who want to take charge, are everywhere, and are numbered in the millions.   It may already be too late!  On occasion, Alice even takes charge of my putter on the golf course.  She always leaves it short of the hole, bringing the automatic response Oh, Alice!  The conclusion is inescapable.  You cant live with them, and you cant live without them.

 Alice and me               

Short Stories from the Funny Farm